Brokenhairs

Well, its week two in mosman.
And i fucking hate it, i know half of the peole in here. Fuck thats hopefull.
My new official diagnosis is Major depression, Generalised anxiety, Borderline persionality Disorder and ADHD.
fucking mouthfull.
I asked my pshyc if i could leave, and he said if i do i will be scheshuld cant spell.
My left leg achs cause i have tendonitus. and i have had a headach for four days.
thats all.

So, I have done my first HSC exam for the year on Friday. I think I went okay, you know, I know I cant have the highest expectations after all that has happened this year, and the amount of school I have missed, due to hospitalization, sheer stupidity (being a stupid teenager) and sheer fear of mainstream school..

I’m so thankful for being accepted into Rivendell, I wouldn’t be doing my HSC if I hadn’t been. And even the support from the select few teachers from Carlingford for giving me all my missed work, and sitting down and simply explaining it to me. And accepting that I couldn’t do this during school times (mostly, I had to compromise of course, sometimes.). And when I did freak out in these instances, they were also accepting. For example, when I had to go and collect my canvases, while I was still in hospital, the school counselor walked with me to the class room and back to my grandfathers car.

Basically, I think I have realized some things tonight, that I probably should have paid attention to earlier.

One, Respecting your elders is a must in life. You need to form a bond with who ever is a role model in your life, whether that be your parents, or an older friend. And through this learn from them. No matter how much you don’t get along with your parents, you should respect what they have done for you. They have worked, probably in a job they don’t particularly enjoy, so they can have enough money to raise you the best they can. Everybody has their flaws, and everyone makes mistakes. You shouldn’t dwell and hold it against your parents/careers if you disagree with the way they brought you up. Because they most likely, thought it was In your best interests.

Living life in ignorance, isn’t living.

I will give you an example.

The crisis with the share market at the moment, as a generalization, most people have shares in the Dow Jones, yes? This is mainly because as a whole, people who; lets say don’t completely know that much about the stock market trust them, as they are generally high; Due to the large amount of share holders, and the sheep like following it seems to have.

But due to peoples ignorance, during our share markets fragility; they think oh shit! The Dow Jones are plummeting, I should buy out all of my shares and run for the hills. When in fact, if they were to keep them there, they would be better off. Shares go up and down everyday, but at the moment this has just been accentuated. But by them taking their money out they are making it worse. If they had been educated, this wouldn’t happen.

This same event caused the great depression. Lack of education, or plain ignorance.

You learn these life skills, not in the class room. But from your elders.

With this, I have so much respect for my grandfather. I wouldn’t know shit if I didn’t have a good relation ship with him. Even in my family though, there is ignorance. My grandfather has been trying to explain to both my uncle who lives with us and my grand mother about how the share market works and about our shares. But they just don’t get it, because they are more wiling to believe the hype on the tv, rather than my grandfather. Who actually worked as a financial consultant, back in the day.

This I believe also happens in school, for example. Ever heard a kid say, teacher why do I need to know this, I’m never going to use this in my life. And then they trail off a few examples of how you would need to use it. The student then says, I’m never going to do that job. But really, wouldn’t you want to know as much about the world as you could?

Don’t you want to know what is between the lines, when you hear the some political figure talking about whats happening in the world?

To live beyond your reality, of your room, your house, your family, your job or school and the social babble you hear from your friends, or that random you met at the pub?

You can only actually experience so much in life, like if you were to go to work, come home from work to enjoy your favorite cliché sit com and go to bed. How would you ever know what it smells like in Italy, how different the sand is in California, or even how many different species of plants there are.

I know it sounds lame, but I enjoy hearing about my grandfathers escapades in the Philippines, when he was peace keeping in the navy. When he was selling radiography machines to hospitals. When he was a financial consultant, in a bank. And even how he wishes he had become that geography, or science teacher. And done more than write just a few text books on the side. 

Our parents or  elders will have experienced things we may never have the opportunity to experience. And if we can just get that little bit of knowledge from simply listening and learning from them. Its just that bit more.

I'm sure by now nobody is actually reading this still. Its fucking like 1 in the morning and i'm off my head on gass. I had the best night at the pub. Nothing special really happened. I just got to talk to some people I hadn’t seen in ages, like even two years for one. I dunno, we just talked about everything. I love nights like those. When you go home and you feel like you have achieved something. Learnt something or even simply gotten your opinion across to someone and that has had an affect on them.

I was at the granny smith briefly, it was pretty boring. It was filled with 13/14 year olds. Either doused in fake tan, or wearing close to nothing.

I have come to the strong opinion, most people hide 50 percent of who they are and what they really think. Either because of sheer fear, or really just being well, keeping to them self’s

I'm disappointed in my self for not having painted in such a long time. Well, really since I handed in my major. I want the canvases that I didn’t submit back. I have already thought of all the adjustments I need to do to them. I really didn’t have enough time to finish them how I wanted.

I hope I actually make an effort to revise my English texts for what is now tomorrow.

I wish I understood things like, how people can be so absorbed in their own worlds?

Like, I don’t deny that I defiantly fit into this category.

Longing over ex boyfriends, when they are obviously not good for you.

Taking themselves too seriously. Like even make up, and the clothes they wear being who they are.

I am a major culprit of this. Like I have gotten it in my head that I need to express my self so much, so that when you look at me, that first impression has to be who I really am. Because I might say or do something inappropriate that isn’t me?

I didn’t describe that very well. When in fact I have become, how I dress.

For years I was the girl with the crazy hair. You know, it was my identity.

I was trying to show everyone, oh wow i'm so creative!

I got so lost in it. I had no idea, who I really was.

You sort of take on these personalities, or descriptions your given, and live up to it. Because it gives you something to be.

Oh mary, shes that girl that is always smoking bongs, or always drunk or on drugs.

I sort of lost myself in that, if I had normal hair, or dressed in mainstream clothes I didn’t feel like I was a person, or people looked at me differently.

 I think this is why dressing to suit certain subcultures has become so popular. It gives people something to be.

 At the moment i absolutely love the band Angus and Julia Stone.

You appear strong and powerful. You have an impressive personality and can influence and even intimidate through sheer force. You have natural authority. Your competence and enthusiasm attract people with resources.

You radiate confidence. People defer to you because they sense your sureness and effectiveness.

You also exude a kind of controlled benevolence. People sense that you are generous, once you are convinced of the worthiness of the cause.

It is important for you to dress well. You radiate a kind of raw power and ableness, which needs to be refined and enhanced by your clothing. You may even dress a bit flashy, but that will not harm you. Quality is among your highest priorities, and should reflect in your clothing.

Although most eights have a strong constitution, they can be prone to indigestion, ulcers, and heart disease due to their reckless eating and drinking habits and their propensity to be workaholics.

Your Achilles heel is your capacity for an egocentric attitude. The negative side of your personality can cause you to be ruthless, greedy, and intensely lonely.

Conversely, you can be spontaneous and excited. You are essentially warm and jovial. In your heart of hearts, you want everyone to be as excited and as happy as you. Those who are around you often sense this. Your coworkers and employees usually like you.
 

Firstly, fucken congrats for getting into Rhyme Intervention. Like fuck!
Secondly, The D has gone hideabout. i was just wondering if you had seen him recently?
He's staying at his mums again, but his phones off.
And i figure if he would be anywhere, it would be to yours.

I have been trying to get incontact with him for months.
Its hard buisiness, if you could lend us a hand it would be greatly appreciated.
Cheers.

main fear.
him thinking im stalking.
im not really...
i just miss the fuck.
because i know when he gets well.
which he WILL.
he will be back.
BACK.
im such a nurotic.
but i think i deserve the right to be, as i reckon i could wright a book about my life.

i watched hard candy, and juno finally last night, gooood movies.
anyway.